25/50: Forgiveness, Can You Imagine?
The silent arrival of forgiveness is held in the moment right before Eliza sings quietly, “It’s quiet Uptown.” And we’re invited to imagine forgiveness is possible.
“There are moments that the words don’t reach
There is suffering too terrible to name...
There are moments that the words don’t reach
There is a grace too powerful to name”
After last week’s testimony posts, I don’t want to go too much further without talking about forgiveness. In between the lines I wrote, there are a lot of transgressions — mine and others, intentional and mostly unintentional, but hurtful nonetheless, and in some cases, abusive.
I spent a long time not able to forgive the systems and people that had hurt me. There was a pit in my stomach when I went back into any situation in which there were a majority of evangelicals. Like a wounded animal, I braced for another invisible wound. I didn’t know how to love without feeling like I was condoning bad behavior, reinforcing damaging theology, or re-inujuring my soul.
Then, about five years ago, the resentment lost its charge for me. This was nearly fifteen years after a lot of therapy, spiritual direction, an extensive graduate program, and prayer. One day, I just didn’t want to be mad anymore. That was absolutely a moment of grace (although I think the therapy, etc. helped me get there).
I still get angry, of course. There is still a lot that gets my hackles up. But, to a large extent, the personal charge is gone. I can maintain my own sense of self without feeling threatened. I can honor the experience of others and feel compassion for their suffering. I understand that the grief and loss I experienced is not what others are willing to risk, and in many cases, there is much more at stake for them than there was for me.
I share this less to say that I have arrived (because I’m pretty sure I haven’t), and more to say that it took me a long time, a lot of work, and quite a bit of grace to find forgiveness. This is my experience. Others may have a different path through deconstruction.
But for whoever needs to hear this: grieve, rage, take a break, draw boundaries. Do all of that. And still, allow for the possibility of a settling after the storm. Keep a tiny door open for the grace of forgiveness.