Parenting and Power

In her first year of life, she smiled at everyone, slept well and went with the flow. A wise, older friend said, “My granddaughter was a perfect baby too. And then she started talking.”

And sure enough, toddlerhood hit with a vengeance. Where there had been easy compliance, there were tantrums and screaming. When she used to kiss and charm, she was now hitting and biting. In the times when a stern look or a quick “no” would have stopped her older sister in her tracks, she would just get louder, angrier, and more insistent. I kept trying to escalate just enough to stop her, but it was never enough. Pretty soon, she wasn’t the only one who felt out of control. I simply was powerless to overpower the strength of her passion and the force of her personality.

One sleepless night, I reflected on the past day. She had yelled. I had yelled. She had yelled louder. I had yelled even louder. I had been tempted to lash out physically in an attempt to gain control.

This was not the parent that I wanted to be.

I had to ask myself who was the adult in the relationship. The parenting style that had worked thus far, the parenting style that had been used on me, was not going to work if I wanted to avoid physical and emotional violence.

It is one of the great gifts of Grace that a new approach came to me that night. What if instead of standing over and against her, I sidled up next to her? What if I stopped seeing her as rebellious and defiant? Instead, I could recognize and honor this was an energetic little being that had yet to gain the maturity to match her passion. My job was to help her gain that maturity, and in the meantime, to deeply respect that passion. Such passion could change the world if properly directed.

So, I stopped yelling (for the most part). I started saying things like, “Wow, that is a bummer.” Or “You need to take a break until you can talk to me calmly.” Or “Tell me what this feels like to you.” Hours were spent waiting for her anger to run its course and often that meant she collapsed in sleep. Internally, I was as worked up as she was. I worried that I was being too easy on her. I had to endure others experiencing her tantrums. But at the end of most days, I was much more satisfied that my parenting had aligned with my values.

I don’t think it was until middle school that I saw her maturity begin to match her passion. One beautiful night, life didn’t go her way and as she was about ready to explode with anger, she took a deep breath and walked away instead.

There are no happily ever afters in parenting, only guesses and hopes that you picked the right direction on those messy, emotional long days. But I do think it’s worth considering a general posture. It’s worth thinking about the long game rather than the immediate win. It’s worth embracing values such as non-violence, compassion, and power with, rather than dominant power over. These can be a guide in the murky waters of high emotion. It’s worth taking a step back to look at the child that you’ve been given and what they need. It’s worth evaluating what will allow you to sleep easier at night no matter the outcome.