47/50: Marriage and Kids
The first dance and our wedding was to Alison Krauss and this song is one that I hope we will keep growing into over time.
“I sustain myself with the love of family.”
Chris and I met when I was 22 and he was 30. We’ve had it fairly easy as marriages go. Both of us are pretty non-reactive and hold compatible values: we work too much, spend too generously, and generally trust the goodness of others. Our faith has grown in a similar direction. He was the more “liberal” of the two of us initially. I now hold that position, but not by much. While we are broad and inclusive in our thinking, we are each pretty conservative in our tastes and lifestyle.
I love the quote attributed to Margaret Mead: “Everyone has three marriages, sometimes to the same person.” If I have marriage advice, it is to take this quote to heart. You must allow each other and your marriage to change and grow. Sometimes this is possible and sometimes it is not.
For us, it’s been possible. I came into our marriage with traditional expectations that Chris would be the breadwinner and make the financial decisions. He was the knight on a white horse, and I, the fair maiden in need of rescuing. As I grew professionally and in my own sense of self, those roles had to die, which was not easy for either of us, but in the end, a relief.
I don’t write or talk about my marriage often. It’s not because it’s not important. It’s just that marriage is so deeply intimate, complicated and unique. Our marriage has been hard enough for me to know I cannot judge or prescribe the experience of others. I don’t want anyone to compare themselves to Chris and me. Our marriage is as singular as the two of us.
For similar reasons, I don’t talk much about my daughters. They are the light of my life and hold my happiness in their smile. But there is no formula or guarantee. I don’t deserve their goodness or their success. And I do not expect their love — it is a pure gift to be loved by my children. I have not been the perfect parent. I know I showed up every day doing my best, and in the end, I hope that allows them to forgive me for the hurt I have caused. A wise friend once said that parents install all your buttons and they know how to push them. On the other side, I can say that even when I’m not trying to push those buttons, I know I do.
When my daughter was a baby, I read a book called Growing Kids God’s Way that promised if you followed their formula, you were guaranteed happy and well-adjusted children. After my baby refused to comply with their formula, I put the book away and went on with one goal: that she would know she was loved. That’s still my goal each day.
Whether it’s marriage or parenting, don’t trust anyone who says there is a formula. Just make it a beautiful mess of forgiveness, compassion and love.